xkorruptx's Xanga

I don't know what this is

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 08:46:43 GMT

My footsteps echo off silent walls
my world a flutter with dreams
my road laden with purpose
my path is short and true

under this light I am freed
under this moon, I am home
My fears washed away
and as I close my eyes
I feel its warmth
blanket me from the midnight breeze.

It envelopes me, and holds me tight
Like a fathers open arms
My tears flow and trickle to the ground
and pool around my feet

Distant stars pierce the brittle sky
and touch me deep inside
They grant just once, a fleeting wish
A wish that i'll hold inside

Some would say it a dream.
Wishful thinking that has now took flight
But it was no magic, though it may seem.
This I know, it was Heaven I saw this night

Wow...has it been a year!?

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 21:05:55 GMT

So With full knowledge that Xanga has been routed by myspace, here I am, posting a new blog after a full year. I am now officially making all of my posts public, every single one. Even the emo BS ones that i covered up so long ago. Why? I dont care anymore. I just dont, revealing them will have no effect on me anyway, maybe those who are curious can read them, if you were at all interested in the inner recesses of my mind. Now you can learn what I was really thinking...oooh...frikkin sweet man!

will i actually blog about whats going on with me currently? No not now, i will give one bit of advice though. Never, EVER play online poker. Its a joke, its a scam, it doesnt matter how good you are in real life, you will get taken down. Just dont try, its a death trap. with that, i bid you adieu, and for those bored enough to read all my previously private entries...ummm...have fun?

*EDIT*

Havnt un-privated all of them, turns out there are quite a few. May 4th, 2004 was an interesting one, poetry is fun! Anyway, ill look for the rest of the privated ones later, they are all the same anyway, every single one. Don'tbelieve me, look at the posts, and although i dont say it directly, each one is cryptically saying the same thing. its frikkin awesome.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 20:14:12 GMT

time for my monthly update...

I've been doing a fair amount of thinking, from a standpoint i consider to be quite sensible. The last few weeks/months have been quite interesting to me. 2005 isn't quite what i thought it would be. January 2004, i was convinced i would be out on my own, moved in with my "best friend". Who wasn't really my best friend, but the only girl i ever really loved. I was convinced, i would have fully rehabilitated my right shoulder, and would be playing for Harbor College, pitching my heart out, well on my way to the only career I had ever known, or could picture myself knowing. I figured Hollywood video would just be my first job, that I had fun in for a year or so, but had moved on. I would be surrounded by all my good friends. It wouldnt be perfect, things never are, but its what i expected. Of course a year ago, i probably told myself I was...depressed. Because as they say, "the grass is always greener." Things were good, but they COULD have been better, so i bitched and moaned, instead of acting on those inner thoughts, or just appreciating what I had. I was in a different person one year ago. Maybe you all can tell, maybe you can't, I honestly dont really know how clear it is externally. I am very different now then I was then, a lot more mature in some ways, but im also the same tacky, cheesy, slightly nervous, smart ass/ nice guy. Some things may never change.

I don't suffer from the same symptoms I had then. The Ray of today would be very annoyed with the Ray of last year. 2005 hit me head on, and completely de-railed me. If you believe in the almighty, which i most certainly do, then this is the year, when he decided to show me how ungrateful I was. My friends that i didnt realize were so vital to me were stripped away. After the first loss, which literally hit me overnight, i was reeling, like a boxer who just took an uppercut, and was now stumbling around as Clubber Lang prepares a few more punches that will seal the knockout. A lot of mi amigos moved away, i am so thankful, for the ones I have here with me still, but i miss with all my heart the few that left, and the ones that will be leaving soon, including my cousin, who has been there for me since...birth basically. Anyway, 2005 has left me numb. I go through my day to day life with no hope or ambition of any kind. None other than getting through the day ahead of me, so that i can start in on the next. I wouldn't describe it as depression, the condition is depressing, but the condition is not depression. My life is so different now, 2004 seems like such a distant memory, filed away with childhood memories of little league and elementary school.

I find an unnatural satisfaction in the happiness of those around me, especially romantically. The idea of my good friends finding someone that completes them. Maybe im just living vicariously through them. who knows...maybe all it comes down to is, going through years like this is so hard when your alone, and the year is only like this, because I am so alone. Ain't that a bitch? *points towards dog*

why do mexicans make tamales for christmas?

so they have something to unwrap

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Wed, 18 May 2005 13:37:40 GMT

My time is here...Star Wars is so close I can taste it. If anyone is looking for me...look no further than the AMC 20. My destiny awaits me. Star Wars, 12:01 AM. come see my loser ass

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 17:34:54 GMT

i spelt weak wrong in my last entry. la dee da

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 08:11:28 GMT

More chinks in the seemingly flawless armor that I wear. I think I make it clear im not doing well, and its still not getting any better. What little I have left to lean on continues to be chipped away. It seems I am being tested. "Exactly how much can you take?" it is years like this one when you discover how emotionally week you really are

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 06:34:19 GMT

It's funny, you hear sayings, and you experience them a little bit. You know they are true. But then...you actually get hit full blown, and you become enveloped in it. Stuff like, "You never know what you have, till its gone". You look back and realize how much time you wasted, all the things you should of done and said. Realize how little you appreciated something that lit up your life so much. Instead you spent so much of your life worrying that you'd lose it, instead of just going for it.

Fuck, never in my life have I wanted to not be me more then now.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Sat, 12 Mar 2005 09:03:20 GMT

Hi Diz...

I miss this girl so much

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 18:44:35 GMT

F*ck me Freddy. What is happening to my world? I feel like im standing in the rubble at ground zero, as my whole world continues to crumble to the ground. I feel like such a failure for not being able to prevent the things that are going on. There is too much going on right now, I need some good times. It's sad that I look forward to work, sometimes im happiest there.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 04:37:51 GMT

the previous entry was quarauntined in order to prevent the spread of the deadly contagion known as "emo bullshit"