time for my monthly update...

I've been doing a fair amount of thinking, from a standpoint i consider to be quite sensible. The last few weeks/months have been quite interesting to me. 2005 isn't quite what i thought it would be. January 2004, i was convinced i would be out on my own, moved in with my "best friend". Who wasn't really my best friend, but the only girl i ever really loved. I was convinced, i would have fully rehabilitated my right shoulder, and would be playing for Harbor College, pitching my heart out, well on my way to the only career I had ever known, or could picture myself knowing. I figured Hollywood video would just be my first job, that I had fun in for a year or so, but had moved on. I would be surrounded by all my good friends. It wouldnt be perfect, things never are, but its what i expected. Of course a year ago, i probably told myself I was...depressed. Because as they say, "the grass is always greener." Things were good, but they COULD have been better, so i bitched and moaned, instead of acting on those inner thoughts, or just appreciating what I had. I was in a different person one year ago. Maybe you all can tell, maybe you can't, I honestly dont really know how clear it is externally. I am very different now then I was then, a lot more mature in some ways, but im also the same tacky, cheesy, slightly nervous, smart ass/ nice guy. Some things may never change.

I don't suffer from the same symptoms I had then. The Ray of today would be very annoyed with the Ray of last year. 2005 hit me head on, and completely de-railed me. If you believe in the almighty, which i most certainly do, then this is the year, when he decided to show me how ungrateful I was. My friends that i didnt realize were so vital to me were stripped away. After the first loss, which literally hit me overnight, i was reeling, like a boxer who just took an uppercut, and was now stumbling around as Clubber Lang prepares a few more punches that will seal the knockout. A lot of mi amigos moved away, i am so thankful, for the ones I have here with me still, but i miss with all my heart the few that left, and the ones that will be leaving soon, including my cousin, who has been there for me since...birth basically. Anyway, 2005 has left me numb. I go through my day to day life with no hope or ambition of any kind. None other than getting through the day ahead of me, so that i can start in on the next. I wouldn't describe it as depression, the condition is depressing, but the condition is not depression. My life is so different now, 2004 seems like such a distant memory, filed away with childhood memories of little league and elementary school.

I find an unnatural satisfaction in the happiness of those around me, especially romantically. The idea of my good friends finding someone that completes them. Maybe im just living vicariously through them. who knows...maybe all it comes down to is, going through years like this is so hard when your alone, and the year is only like this, because I am so alone. Ain't that a bitch? *points towards dog*

why do mexicans make tamales for christmas?

so they have something to unwrap